Recharge

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

Fairly recently - in the last year or so - I have realized that I am an introvert. This might contradict the stereotypical picture of an introvert. When I think of an introvert, I think of someone like Hubby - quiet, gentle, shy. Most people would not describe me as such. I am loud, spunky, goofy, comfortable around a lot of people, friendly, and open. However, introversion is the state or tendency toward being wholly or predominately concerned with and interested in one's own mental life. Some theories of introversion say that introverts are people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction. In other words, introverts prefer spend more time in their own head rather than on the outside world.

My job requires a lot of energy, time, and thought spent on the outside world and not much time on reflection. This is draining to an introvert. I was working year-round in an extrovert capacity. Just about every waking hour was spent thinking about someone else. I took solace in writing notes because that was as close to reflection and my own mental life as I could often get. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE teaching and working with students and being around people, but it is draining. So, after the past seven years of depleting my energy in the classroom (as well a through other unhealthy means), I was empty. I took off of teaching during Summer II leaving me with 56 glorious days to recharge - and that is what I have been doing.

I am still working, but I am mentoring 3 grad students who are teaching and most of my mentoring can be done via email or short meetings as necessary and I am making two short videos which can be done at home. So, I get to spend my time as I want. If I want to sleep until 12:30, I can. If I want to stay up until 6am lost in another world, I can. If I want to write, draw, study something new, I can. If I want to spend the day just sitting in a dim room and breathe, I can. It is doing wonders for me. As much as I thank God for doctors and the chemists who created antidepressants (because without them, I would be an ugly mess most of the time), I am more thankful to God for improving my mental well-being through this time of recharging and for working out all the details that needed to happen so that I didn't have to teach the entire summer.

At the beginning of the summer, I wrote a list of summer goals. I don't know that I have been very successful in them, but I think that what I have been doing this summer is going to make my life better during the upcoming school year.

Thanks and gig 'em!

Welcome to the Real World

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

WARNING: I use a bad word in this post! I also talk about something some people might find gross... You have been warned....


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My SIL was telling me about the kids fighting over who should clean up the poopy mess made by one of the pets (or it could have been more than one pet... who knows...). I guess the general rule is that if your pet makes the mess, then it is your responsibility to clean it up. If no one knows whose pet it is, then who does the cleaning fall to?

For me, it turned into a lesson on life: Sometimes in life, you have to do shitty jobs that you don't think is your responsibility for the good of the family or the community you are involved in. Sometimes, you have to pick up other people's (or being's) messes. Sometimes, life is not fair. Would you rather live with the shit just because you feel strongly that it's not your job to do or just pick it up and move on? For me, I'd rather just get it over and done with... But I don't know I thought about it like that when I was the kids' ages.

Thanks and Gig 'Em!

Summer Time and Vacation Songs

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

Summer I ended yesterday and I was able to get grades posted right away so I am free!!!

I have a couple of trips this summer and will need fun, upbeat, good music. I am not particularly picky about genre as I like pretty much anything, but have a higher fondness for country, rock, classic rock, oldies, blue grass, and pop.

Anyone have suggestions for my summer playlist?

Thanks and Gig 'Em!

The Tongue

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

It has been very busy around here, which has led to no time or inspiration to write. I don't think this post will be long.

I used to have a very big problem with controlling my tongue. There were many times that I felt like what I really needed to do was fast from speaking - which I never did... It would be practically impossible... Which is maybe why it should be done...

I haven't felt that way in a long time... Until today....

For some reason, today, my mouth just spewed things that I wished I could just shove back... But that is the thing about the tongue. You can't take back what you have already said. The tongue can be sweet like honey one moment, and the next, it can cut you like a knife.

My tummy still feels sick from some of the things that I said today...

Ugly words escaped my mouth in abundance. Exasperation fled my mind in the form of angry, frustrated statements with people around who shouldn't have heard it. Things that can negatively color perceptions against good people were said.

From James 3:

Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Tonight, I pray that God will tame my tongue, since it is not something I can tame myself. That I will be forgiven for the harsh things I spoke today (and in the days past and to come). That instead my tongue will be used for building up, praising, leading, obeying...

Please tell me I am not the only one who wishes her tongue would just shut up!

Thanks and Gig 'Em!

Tired...

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

Today was long. I didn't get to stop or rest from the time I woke up until about 4:30 today - and that was just long enough to spend a few minutes putting my head down on a desk and taking a couple of deep breaths because I at least had everything done that required assistance from the office... I at least had the exams for tomorrow ready to go...

I spent about 5 hours with students. I spent a good bit of time getting tomorrow's exams finished, printed, organized and sorted. I gathered, filled out, scanned in, and posted answers to the quizzes corresponding to tomorrow's exam. I have been responding to emails since I woke up. I will continue to respond to emails until I go to bed.

We are two and a half weeks down in the session. Two and a half weeks to go.

Tomorrow is an exam day. I wish I could just cancel class on Friday to give me a chance to breathe, to mentally get away. I know they wouldn't mind... until we have to speed up to cover everything again. It is when you are in the middle that it feels like you are trying to run through molasses. It will be over before we know it. We just need to persevere.

I am tired tonight. So tired. I am so glad I am not teaching during summer II. I am so glad for the blessings given to us that gives me the freedom to not teach. I need rest... I need my body to relax. I need my jaw to unclench. I need down time... Time to paint my nails and shave my legs. Time to clean my house... again...

Thanks and Gig 'Em!

In Defense...

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. - 1 Peter 3:15

First, let me say that I am by no means a great Christian. There is a lot I do not know. A lot that I fail at every day. The Disclaimer: I am SUPER nervous about posting this. I do not talk religion or politics. Most of the time, it seems pointless to do either and I don't like to debate. I sometimes talk about what I believe with Hubba or my momma, but I tend to avoid conversations about those topics if I think there will be conflicting points of views.

I believe that there is one true God with three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Bible is God's Word handed down to us so that we may learn about Him and His truths. I believe that God created the heavens and the earth and that he created man in His image. I believe that sin entered the world through man, that sin has condemned us to death and separation from God, but that redemption comes to those who are willing to accept the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ, who was without sin. That by accepting His sacrifice, we will enjoy everlasting life in heaven.

With that said, I am by nature an intellectual, logical, science-oriented person. I know that many of my friends and colleagues do not believe in a god. Maybe because their understanding of God and their understanding of science creates a gap too big for them to cross. Maybe because the lack of physical evidence of a god is insurmountable to them. Maybe for another reason. It is kind of amazing to me that I believe in God. There are plenty of reasons to not believe in Him. There have been lots of experiences in my life that are reason enough to dismiss Him.

As I was thinking about this post, I thought a lot about what lead me to choose God and Christ. At first, most of my thoughts were about what it isn't.

I don't believe in God because the Bible tells me to believe. If you believe in God because the Bible tells you to believe in God, what makes you believe in the Bible? What makes you believe that what it contains is truth and worth giving your life over to an "invisible" being? For this reason, I won't try to convince anyone of God by using the Bible for my justification of his existence. To me, that isn't logical. However, because I believe, I use the Bible to understand God, build a relationship with Him, and learn what His will is for us as a people. His Word should direct my life. I believe the Bible because I believe in God.

I don't believe in God for comfort, although it can be a perk. In fact, a lot of my relationship with God is very uncomfortable. He requires me to put my trust, faith, hope, and desires in Him. I like to be in control. I like having my plans. I like to know what my life is going to look like in 6 months. With God, I have to be willing to accept His plan, even without knowing what it is or where it is heading. Also, the Holy Spirit is working in my being, requiring me to rid myself of my selfishness. Man, that is really uncomfortable. Hearing a truth and knowing it requires a change - ugh... Yes, I can come to God and lay my burdens down. Yes, He is a comfort to me when life is hard. Yes, I believe He hears me when I am crying out to Him because I don't understand why my life is not and cannot be what I want it to be. Yes, I take comfort in knowing that my friends and family who believe in Him and accept Christ will join me in heaven. However, I don't know what heaven will be like. I don't know if I will know or recognize friends and family that are there. I don't know what that eternal life will look or feel like. So, while I take comfort in knowing they will be there, I don't know that I will see them again or know it is them if I were to see them. That isn't really comforting. 

I also don't choose to believe out of fear. There are probably people who believe in God for the sole reason of a fear of death and what may come after that. They would rather believe in God and "find out" they were wrong after they die than not believe in God and find themselves in hell. I don't know. Fear is a good motivator, but it doesn't seem maintainable. Don't get me wrong. I believe in hell and I want to stay out of it, but it is not the reason I believe.

I don't believe in God for moral reasons. There are millions of basically good people who live an upright and moral life who do not believe in God. From Luke 11:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:11-13

So morality is not the standard for believing in God. However, I do believe that if you believe in God, you should be striving to live a righteous and moral life. That you are being refined and sanctified towards God's standard. If you do not believe in God, then I can't hold you to the standard that God asks for, but I can expect that you will follow basic moral codes and that you understand that things like blatant lying, stealing, cheating, and murdering are wrong.

I don't believe in God for creation reasons. As I said earlier, I do believe he created the heavens and the earth, that he created light and made day and night, that he formed the sky, land and seas, that he made the land produce vegetation, filled the sky with the sun, moon and stars, the water and land with animals. I believe he made man in his image. I do not think all of this was done in six 24-hour periods, but made in six stages. I don't believe Earth is only a few thousand years old. I believe in evolution: small changes over a long period of time, weak creatures dying off, strong creatures passing on their genetically superior genes to the next generation. I don't think that being rational and logical, loving science and "believing in science" separates you from God. God is those things, too. I think the bigger problem with "Science vs God" is the misinformation on both sides of the debate.

I don't believe in God because of my family or my culture. Although my family believes in God, we were not church-goers. I also have developed a faith very different from any of my parents, siblings, and extended family. When I first started going to church, I drove myself there every Wednesday and Sunday. It was my choice to be there. I did first start developing my relationship with Christ at my best friends' church, but I asked questions, searched for real answers, and struggled with gaps between what I was being taught and what my heart was telling me. Throughout college, I was blessed to be a part of a college ministry that encouraged making your faith your own. I often made decisions about my beliefs that went against the church home I had found. Eventually, it led me away from my initial denomination, but I still admire, respect, and listen to the people who gave me the freedom to choose which in turn helped me grow in my faith - one that is my own.

So, why do I believe in God?

There is a yearning in my heart that is only satisfied with Him. 

Maybe that is illogical. But even as a little girl, with limited knowledge of what a god is, my spirit moved to him like a magnet. I felt His presence. His Spirit called to me and I answered. My heart was prodded to belief. I know that is not going to be a satisfactory answer to non-believers and I know that there are people who prayed for God to give them faith and believe that He didn't answer. But there you have it. I cannot ignore the longing of my soul.

 A friend of mine wrote the following:

We certainly don’t see any God influencing our day to day life — though some people like to claim they’ve seen it or seen miracles — I believe that people are often experts at fooling themselves and seeing what they want to see.

I would have to disagree with her, with gentleness and respect. I have felt God's influence throughout my life. I cannot ignore it. I cannot ignore the sequence of events that led me to where I am today. I cannot believe they were just coincidence and happenstance. After how many coincidences and perfect timings do you start to think that it's not coincidence any more? To me, that is ignoring evidence. So I choose to see God.

Thanks and Gig 'Em!

Songs of My Life

Howdy from Jaclyn in Aggieland!

This post is going to be light and fun because PCOS is heavy (pun intended) and sad and I am working on a post that is kind of deep for me, if I can get up the courage to post it. I believe in the sandwich method.

I have always thought that making a music play list that represented my life would be a really cool thing to do. However, it is really hard to choose the songs. Today, I am making a list of songs, one from each year I have been alive, from the "Billboard Top 100 Songs of ****." I tried to choose them based on something special, but that is hard too. Also, I think my real play list would be much longer and much more in depth, but this is a good place to start.

1983: Every Breath You Take by The Police (LOL... Because that is when I took my first breath...)
1984: Lucky Star by Madonna
1985: We Built This City by Starship
1986: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
1987: Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2
1988: Sweet Child 'O Mine by Guns 'N Roses
1989: Love Shack by B-52s
1990: Step by Step by New Kids on the Block
1991: Something to Talk About by Bonnie Raitt
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Ooh Child by Dino
1994: The Sign by Ace of Base
1995: Waterfalls by TLC
1996: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio
1997: Wannabe by Spice Girls
1998: I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls
2000: All the Small Things by Blink 182
2001: Fallin' by Alicia Keys
2002: Standing Still by Jewel
2003: Front Porch Lookin' In by Lonestar (Really hard to pick a favorite... Lots of good songs...)
2004: White Flag by Dido
2005: Daughters by John Mayer
2006: You and Me by Lifehouse
2007: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
2008: You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins
2009: Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band
2010: Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars
2011: Raise Your Glass by P!Nk
2012: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
2013: Roar by Katy Perry
2014: (Obviously, it's a little early, but...) Automatic by Miranda Lambert

Oh man... There were some years that was REALLY hard to choose a song for... Mid-90's had tons of songs and late-80's...

Thanks and Gig 'Em!